Shannon Kavanaugh | My Forgotten Lover – New York City
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My Forgotten Lover – New York City

My Forgotten Lover – New York City

Her triage of artfully arranged photos – a sepia-toned antique truck, a fox in a suit, a black and white close up of a sheaf of wheat –they mock me from the wall of her adorable Brooklyn apartment. Those pictures, along with her library of literary hardcovers and her collection of vintage vinyls propped up against an old turntable—they bludgeon me with the same silent message – take a good look, this is the road you did not take. On a recent business trip, as I walked with my old, high school friend and her friends down the quaint back streets of her Brooklyn neighborhood, she passionately pointed out interesting details of the houses, the restaurants, the architecture and history. Her and her friends laughed as they told stories about the places they’d been together, the good times they had in this bar or that pub. They knew the best places to eat, the unique cocktail to order, the salad to die for. It was hard to push down my jealousy.

Fifteen years ago, in my early 20s I wanted to move to New York sight unseen. I was drawn to the city like a misfit to the circus. At the end of my senior year of college in 2000, still living in my Midwest hometown, I told my then-boyfriend I was applying for an internship at CBS in New York after graduation. We had the same major and he thought applying was a good idea too. He got it. I didn’t. Asshole. But I went to New York that year anyway for work, and afterward, I was equal parts swooning with desire and shaking in my pumps, painfully, literally because New York has the hardest streets in the known universe and you will walk for miles. I knew nothing about these things.

New York was exactly what I’d expected and so much more. I fell widly in love. Each time I visited I’d walk for blocks and imagine which part of the city I’d live in. I’d look in the windows of apartments and thumb through For Rent flyers. I’d eaves drop on conversations on the subway and scan job sites for postings. But I never allowed myself to seriously consider taking that leap; a naive 23-year-old, I was much too scared to fall. Loving New York City was like having a crush on a hot guy who’s out of your league. The longing can be excruciating. Eventually, I picked apart and highlighted the negatives – too expensive, too crowded, too impersonal, too dangerous – convincing myself that NYC wasn’t really what I wanted after all just to spare myself the agony of ultimate rejection. I reasoned that I had a foolish girl’s heartache and I should wise up and be more practical. Moving to New York was a dumb idea.

Like that too hot guy, I forgot about New York. In the decade since I’d last stepped foot in the city, I’ve gotten married, sued a company, lost a career, had two babies, two homes, lived in two other cities, built a second career, became a writer, and now, trying to start over after leaving an abusive marriage. My friend from high school has lived in New York City since the year I decided to give up on living in New York City. In the last 15 years, she built a successful career, a network of interesting friends, has a passport stamped on every page, and is truly happy. She goes to bed every night snuggled up to my old crush. Listening to her stories about her 15 years in the city it was clear that NYC had become her lover too, and they were very intimate, and I was very jealous.

Over the two days with her I’d been transported into some modern-day version of It’s a Wonderful Life where I was being smacked in the face with the alternative version of a life I did not choose; a life I could have lived if only I hadn’t been so fucking afraid of my goddamn shadow. If only I hadn’t been a bundle of insecurity and a needy little thing trying hard not to fall in love with a lover who had the power to shatter me into a million pieces. Maybe I too would be living in an ecclectically decorated Brooklyn apartment, and “leaf peeping” while antiquing in Connecticut on the weekends, and taking bi-annual trips to China on business?  Maybe I wouldn’t be going through a nasty divorce or be a single mom? Maybe I wouldn’t have learned the hard way that a broken heart isn’t the worst thing, but a heart you don’t follow is.

New York is Everyone's LoverAs we walked down the streets of Brooklyn after having a fabulous dinner and drinks with her friends, I told her about all the ways I loved her life. She put her arm in my arm. We were tipsy and wobbly from the cocktails. She admitted that she loved her life too. She also admitted that there was something missing. Then, her and her friend told me how difficult and daunting it was for people to meet one another in a city like New York. How impossible and improbably it can feel to find a single, similar fish, in a deep, deep sea with 13 million aquatic varieties. I hadn’t realized it, but I’d spent the entire night with three, attractive, intelligent, late-30’s women who had all been forever single. As it turns out, New York is everyone’s lover, and the prospect of having another, well, sometimes isn’t as enticing.

As I walked through the city alone the next day I thought about these lives; hers, mine, and the one I didn’t choose. I was on a break from the conference I was attending, and I wanted to walk. When I came to an intersection, I simply chose the direction that gave me the ‘go’ signal. I did this for an hour while thinking about life and the paths we take and why. I can’t say there was closure, or zero regret, or a feeling of acceptance or relief. I only realized that you take the path you’re brave enough to follow at the time. Maybe it’s as simple as the one that’s giving you a ‘go’ signal. And if you can find joy along the way, you’re doing alright. If you can look back and say I did the best I could, and if you can look forward and say I’ll try my best tomorrow, then that’s all that matters regardless of zip code, relationship status, or how many artfully arranged photos you have on your walls. Because I don’t think it’s about the walls, or their location, but about the people you invite inside them and the love that remains when everything else is gone.

Take the path you're brave enough to take

But I still really liked the one of the fox in a suit.  

14 Comments
  • Susan Maccarelli
    Posted at 22:43h, 27 October

    This was really beautiful. I have that feeling about where I live — the historic old town that I grew up in and it is pretty awesome to be in your calling place. I hope life takes you to someplace you love just as much.

  • Jim Bryan
    Posted at 23:53h, 27 October

    I really enjoyed your story.

  • mamawolfeto2
    Posted at 01:55h, 28 October

    It’s always interesting to ponder the ‘other’ path…helps us to realize we really are right where we’re supposed to be.

  • Kristi Campbell - findingninee
    Posted at 05:03h, 28 October

    Shannon. Holy crap this is incredible writing. So. I also fell in love with New York as did a friend of mine with the same name but spelled with a y instead of an i. I moved to DC when she moved to NYC. Both of us same job, from Denver, both of us same love and me so so jealous. Sometime along the way, I found the guy and sometime along the way she never did. My guy is not perfect, and I often think of trading him in, but she never found the guy. Today. I have a 5 year old and she just wishes for one. After 11 years, she’s now moving to Montana of all places. I think NYC is one of those places. Like everybody wants to live there but it ends up being so so lonely. You captured the emotions of all of life’s passages So perfectly here. Truly.

    • Shannon Lell
      Posted at 05:22h, 28 October

      I’m sure many people find love in NYC. I’m sure of it. But I’d never thought about it the way these ladies were expressing it. In NYC, no one even THINKS of “settling down” until into your 30s, and even then, everyone assumes (like the city itself) that there’s always something better and brighter and more intriguing around each corner. Then you round those late-30s corners, and you realize that the city goes on for days, but you may not. It’s a dangerous game to play, the “what if” game. I think it’s probably pointless in the end. Acceptance is so much easier.

  • Jill
    Posted at 11:47h, 28 October

    I think there are many paths that could be right for us at any given time: right and different. Sometimes I find myself getting mixed signals when I am at a crossroads. Most of the time, though, our choices are not irreversible. This is one of those stories that just kinda sucked me in. I have never been to NY and I am always so fascinated by other people’s descriptions. One of these days….

  • kellybaileyhomes
    Posted at 19:54h, 28 October

    Love love love your writing! I think of you often. XOXO

    • Shannon Lell
      Posted at 20:19h, 28 October

      You are sweetness Kelly. 🙂

  • Liv
    Posted at 20:14h, 28 October

    I love this – it’s so well written. I ponder other paths I may have taken all the time. And having been to NYC for the first time recently, I totally get how all consuming it can be.

  • Lisa Nolan
    Posted at 02:37h, 29 October

    Damn you can write, mama! You have THAT and more! You can go to NYC in your memoirs and short stories and poems and novels! AND be in control, and safe, but daring. (I was right there with you, all the way, cheering you on!)

    I had to leave the city I loved and grew up in, several times over. I had to follow the “Go” signal, where ever it took me, including places I did not want to go–like having a baby with Down syndrome after my mother passed away when I was just three months pregnant.

    You will go back to NYC, on your book tours, no doubt!

  • alexandra
    Posted at 13:15h, 30 October

    So very true. Heart breaking, and the threads of our lives are impossible to separate. What wouldn’t have happened, what would’ve happened. My older sister told me once that we romanticize the past… we think of the could have beens, but how do we know the outcome would have been of our dreams. And then she told me the best part… you don’t know the wonderful that’s ahead yet. (this turned out to be true, too) Either way, LOVELY and wistful, and I understood all of it.

    • Shannon Lell
      Posted at 16:35h, 30 October

      Thank you. Writers are paid in comments, and you’ve given me a generous tip. Thank you.

    • Shannon Lell
      Posted at 19:44h, 05 November

      Some wise sage said that you are depressed if you live in the past and anxious if you live in the future. I’m more the anxious type. But when life turns on its head, it’s hard not to wonder how all the different turns lead to your present moment. I’m human, afterall.

  • Kathleen Gordon
    Posted at 18:11h, 07 November

    Beautiful. So much wisdom there – it’s easy to idealize the path we didn’t take, but at the time we just did the best we could with the sense we had. And there are so many paths up ahead, too. Thanks for sharing this.