03 Sep Letting Go of the Shoulds and the Coulds
I didn’t think I was going to cry that much. I thought I’d be stoic and happy and excited, mostly, but I guess sometimes I don’t know my own heart.
I started to tear up as we got in the car to drive to the bus stop. I saw the neighbors outside. Their son is the same age as my daughter, and although he’s going to a different school, he’s also starting Kindergarten today. A threesome, they were taking the obligatory “first day of school” photo. The dad was dancing trying to make his son smile. The mom was making sure his hair was fixed and his sign was straight. They both got a chance to take a picture (that wasn’t a selfie) with their son. I choked back a knot in my throat as I pulled away.
Then we got to the bus stop. Some other neighbors were there, a foursome, mom, dad, little brother and their daughter who is going into Kindergarten at my daughter’s school. They chatted, played man-to-man while I worked a zone defense with my two. I took a few selfies, only one turned out.
Then I watched her step onto the bus and the tears came hot and fast. He should be here, I thought. He shouldn’t miss this. But he did. Because that’s one of the punishments the ex doles out for divorcing him — refusing to be anywhere I am even if it’s a birthday party, a dance recital or the first day of Kindergarten.
I got in the car and drove to her school to meet the bus. I wanted to be there when she got off to show her where to find her classroom. I wanted to deposit her safely at the door; see her walk in for the first time. As I drove I silently shook my shoulders and stifled my sobs so my son wouldn’t hear me from the back seat. When I parked, I quickly texted him a picture of her going off to school. I have to try, right?
As I pulled up, the school walkway was full of moms and dads, grandmas and grandpas all saying goodbye, wishing the little ones a good day, giving kisses and hugs and taking more pictures. You’d think there were a bunch of rock stars walking into the building with as many cell phones were in the air. I guess there were.
He shouldn’t be missing this, I thought again. How can his hatred overshadow this? I tried to get angry but I couldn’t. I was just overwhelmingly sad. I hurt for her. But of course she wasn’t fazed, or at least it never shows. In 8 months she’s gotten used to the idea that mommy and daddy never talk, and are never in the same place at the same time. She knows this is how it is, and isn’t yet aware that this isn’t how it should be. She doesn’t know that these two adults, her parents, should be able to set aside the hurt and the anger and come together for her sake. She doesn’t know these things yet.Yet.
I don’t get to pick her up from the bus when she arrives home from her first day of Kindergarten. I won’t get to give her a hug and ask her all about her day because it’s her dad’s night. I’m going to try to call later, but there’s no guarantee he’ll answer his phone or respond to my text. This is another punishment he doles out for divorcing him; refusing to let me speak to our children when they are with him.
As I pulled away from her school the tears came still, but they were more in resignation than sadness. Because in her 5-year-old-wisdom I realized she’s right. No matter how much I wish things could be different, they aren’t. Know matter how much I KNOW they should be different, they probably never will be. Because this is how it is, and there is a certain amount of freedom in letting go of the shoulds and the coulds. Maybe she knows that already and it’s ME who is the one who doesn’t know yet. Yet.
As I flipped through the pictures I took of her first day of Kindergarten, I uploaded a few to Facebook and Instagram. Then, as I often do, I lingered over a few and studied her face; the moment she saw the bus coming, the moment her brother pushed me out of the way to give her a kiss and she lifted him from the ground, the moment she walked down the hall and didn’t turn back…
The more I looked, the more I wanted to cry. But then I noticed something truly astonishing… I’m an editor by profession and I spelled Kindergarten wrong.
Then I laughed myself silly. I laughed so hard I cried for a whole other reason.
Oh life with your irony and pain and constant changing of the rules. Thank you for reminding me not to take myself too seriously. Seriously. I needed that.
Have fun at school, sweetie. I know you’re going to come home and teach me so much more than you already have… and I can’t wait.
XOXOXO,
Mom
P.S. This is how your brother feels about you going to Kindergarten… or garden… or whatever… at least I tried!
P.S.S. Nothing’s perfect, but we do have to try.
Love you,
Mom
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Posted at 01:37h, 03 SeptemberGood job Mom.
Samgminov
Posted at 00:39h, 04 SeptemberI’m not giving advice because Lord knows I’m not qualified to do that, but I thought I would pass along something that was told to me. My husband and I have a good marriage, but not an “easy” marriage. We parent differently and are constantly struggling to get on the same page. While lamenting to my therapist that I thought my husband was too hard on our six year old, she shared her opinion that all of us are on a soul journey, but we are also on a “sole” journey. It was her opinion that while we should strive for consistent parenting, my children are going to have to navigate their relationship with their father for the rest of their lives…that is part of their sole journey…and that me interceding, which I did, often, was helping no one. This was counter-intuitive to me because I’m his mother and I feel like it’s my job to protect him. At the same time, I understood, because my parents divorced when I was young and while my dad loved us in his own way, he was never there for our big and important moments. As adults, my dad has had difficulty understanding why we’re not closer, but I think a child’s relationship with a parent is built on a million of those little moments and they know who was there and who was absent. My point is, even though it is painful, your kids have to navigate this relationship with their father and it sounds like your ex has chosen not to do that with you, but to go it alone. Who knows what the three of them will gain and lose from it, but some how it was comforting to me to acknowledge that my children are on a path different from my own and while I can guide them, I can’t control it all. It sounds like you are coming to terms with that, too. Keep up the good work…your kids will thank you for it.
Shannon Lell
Posted at 20:33h, 04 SeptemberI keep thinking about your comment. Although I don’t put much faith in things like psychics, I went to one a few months ago on a whim. Well, it was more than a whim, but that’s not the point. What she told me was exactly what you’re saying here. She said, “Don’t worry about your kids. He is the father they need and you are they mother they need. They will be fine.”
So much easier said than done, right? I know they will be fine. This will be but one aspect of their lives and it need not be devastating. But it’s hard not to get let my fears get the best of me. I suppose that’s why I write so much about letting go. Thank you for your comment.
writermomangela
Posted at 15:18h, 05 SeptemberI also believe that we were all given the journey we’re supposed to have and that include ex’s and children. Your kids are the kids you are meant to raise, and their father is who he is meant to be. Lessons will be taught both ways, you to them, and them to you. If he’s human he’ll learn some too, but that’s up to him. 🙂
writermomangela
Posted at 15:16h, 05 SeptemberI totally love that you spelled Kindergarten wrong on the sign. How totally real is that?? I’m so sorry you had heartache on the first day of school for reasons other than the usual mom-moments. In the end it is all his loss, she will get all the love she needs from you and she will see him for the flawed person that he is in the end.